Tuesday, August 9, 2011

What next? Ugh. I'll be 41 in 3 months. Our big, one time only, IVF opportunity is blown. Trying to keep my spirits up today. The bright side? I get to take a bath this morning after weeks of showers only.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Negative test.
Still no word from the doctor. I assume that is bad news. I stopped and had blood drawn on my way to work this morning and now it is almost 4:30 PM. I just called the doctor for the 3rd time. They assured me that the doctor would be calling me soon with my results. She wasn't willing to give me a nay/yah over the phone. I'm assuming it is a nay.
I'm setting some small goals for the day. Get blood drawn, drink some water, eat a healthy lunch, take a walk, a couple of minor work things. Either way, today is a new day and I'd like to spend it making good choices. First step: get out of bed (why is this one so hard?)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Tomorrow is the day. Blood test day. I'm thinking - based on my current lack of any pregnancy symptoms - that it will be negative. Although what should I expect from being less than 2 weeks pregnant? I'm worried about the disappointment & the cost. And what comes next? Is there freedom in having tried everything? Maybe that frees me up to make some different life choices - a job that pays less, more dogs, travel? Should we continue with medical intervention or turn to the woo-woo? Or maybe just stop trying and be ok with that? Adopt? Foster? Move somewhere that doesn't feel like living on the sun? Either way I've got to get off my ass. My current lack of physical activity is embarrassing and probably is impacting my mental health. The dog will be off house arrest in a few weeks and we can walk again (as I promised God we would everyday for her whole life...) so that's a good thing.

Who knows, maybe it'll be a positive test. Maybe.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I woke up last night with that damn headache that I normally get right before I get my period and I noticed that my poor boobs were too sore to sleep on my stomach. So either I'm about to get my period or something else is starting to happen. More waiting.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I want to be pregnant. But I'm terrified. Terrified either way - if I am pregnant, if I'm not pregnant. Both are equally as scary. If I'm not - there is the disappointment and the decision to keep trying or not. To continue to pursue a medical solution, or not. If I am pregnant - OMG! So much fear. What if I lose the baby? What if I have multiples and have to do selective reduction, or carry multiples? Complications? Defects? Pain? Weight gain? Ugh! FEAR!!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

So now we wait.

The symptoms of the OHSS have pretty much gone away which is a huge relief.

I was on bed rest after the embryo transfer on Thursday. I basically spent the weekend watching TV, reading, knitting, napping with Chris and just basically being quiet and still. I did some minor housework - dishes, laundry, straightened up - but tried to keep it really low key. Chris was a bit skeptical about the bed rest but I told him it really wasn't up for debate. He was super helpful all weekend - he went and got food, made a meal on Saturday night and went and got me a book to read when I finished mine.

We had a minor disagreement at some point in the weekend but were able to work it out. I was feeling residual resentment for him not being at the embryo transfer with me. Mostly it was that so many people asked me where he was, and why wasn't he there - that I got embarrassed and angry that he didn't offer to come with me, even though at the time it had seemed totally reasonable to me. And I was also feeling a bit angry that he had been really distant when I was in a lot of pain after the egg retrieval and during the worst of the OHSS. Basically he felt helpless and didn't have any way to make me feel better so he withdrew - which left me feeling a bit abandoned and alone, and a bit like my not feeling well was a huge inconvenience for him. We agreed to try it differently next time - if there is a time in the future when he feels that way or I feel that way - we'll try and deal with it more quickly before it festers. I think the main issue for him is control - he feels really helpless when I'm in pain and there isn't really anything he can do, so he retreats. Men are so complicated.

Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to demonize Chris in the above paragraph. I was just as complicate in our miscommunications. I wasn't as clear about my needs as I needed to be and I'm sure that the massive hormone levels have a lot to do with how sensitive I feel about EVERYTHING, so it was really just a recipe for yuck.